WORRY NOT KILONZO

 As he sits in class earnestly trying his level best to focus his mind on the logic behind the cathode and its different components, his mind starts to wonder off to the fanciful world of wishful thinking almost effortlessly, and his efforts to bring his mind back to the mundane and bleak classroom setting seem lackluster at best. Kilonzo was already accustomed to his mind's histrionics, this was a habitual occurrence; after all, he had had such episodes where he could not pay attention to what was beforehand even after trying his ardent best. 

He now gazes at the beautiful trees with birds hopping in and out from the vast and rich branches, adjacent to the classroom window. Then comes a thought accompanied by another afterward a secret impulse this time, it is overboard. He can see his feet shake dramatically, almost creating a tune in harmony with the background noise of the overheating computer. Nevertheless, no one notices such things but him. 

He now turns his gaze to his comrades, as he calls them. He watches them work gracefully, paying attention to each detail of their work as if their lives depended on it. Musagu watches his gaze towards him. Kilonzo swiftly turns his attention back to the Physics professor this time squeezing and squinting his eyes to showcase his interest in the lesson and his urge to focus and learn, fervently hoping that Musagu has also shifted his gaze. Kilonzo battles his mind trying to dissuade it from engendering massive embarrassing situations. 

Perhaps you have seen me tremble or squint my eyes at particular times during the day. You might not know this but I have an illness that appears to be a thorn in the flesh. I have struggled with it for a while. The days are vast and so are the belligerent thoughts in my mind. Focus! Kilonzo, focus!

I sit on my wooden chair. Before I are mountains and mountains of heaps of paper, however, I seem to not be able to focus. I just can't, I feel fidgety, my mind plays games, a thought comes here a thought comes there then impulses and compulsions knock violently at my temple. 

Breathe Kilonzo, just breathe... why is it hard to breathe when the blood rushes violently through your vessels and you can almost feel the stretch of the poor capillaries relenting to the pressure. Why me? Why me? Society already expects too much from you Kilonzo, you are the opara of your family, heir to the Kilonzo family estate. The exterior is beautiful, I mean I always remain reticent in my small corner at the back of the lecture hall, and sometimes I answer a question or two appearing as a paragon of discipline and gentleness, but my interior is riddled with impulses. How can such sordidness be juxtaposed with such elegance in character?

The sky is ablaze with the fire of the setting sun. Kilonzo sits by the gazebo by the campus garden, this time he is in the company of two of his benign companions discussing different contemporary issues. There is a high in Kilonzo's mannerisms, he almost feels overboard confident with not a single twinge of anxiety running through him. Kilonzo is hyperactive, his friends seem to notice this judging by their surreptitious stares as they go on with their conversation. 

Have you ever been out in a field and it was raining? The beads of raindrops thrashing against the soil particles, frantically scattering the colonies of ants, however, producing a popular wet soil smell, especially loved by expectant mothers? I love being in the rain. I love watching the raindrops rolling down my face diluting the acid in my sweat and maybe neutralizing the acid of my thoughts. I love the feel of rain on my light skin. Only people like me think of things in that sought of deep manner. It is only in the rain that Kilonzo can finally feel alive. He looks forward to his annual Londiani trips where it mostly rains.

He easily forgets. One moment he enters a room filled with people, but suddenly forgets what he had come to do. Another instance, was when he was frantically searching for the remote control only to find it in what seemed to be a vantage position right in his hands. The forgetfulness and the impulsiveness were all too much for the 19year old.

The wait to see Dr. Mutiso is quite a long one, nevertheless, it is worthwhile. He is a soft-spoken man. There is something about his aura that makes one want to engage in long and smooth conversations with him. He is one of those people who always seem genuinely interested in what you have to say or your experiences in life. As I talked about my impulse-filled life, he took notes; even my fetish for the rain! I told him about the advent of my struggles to the day I almost threw in the towel.

He looked at me with desperate eyes. He smiled, revealing his pearl-white teeth, surprising for someone his age.

KILONZO YOU HAVE ADHD. 

Music to my ears. All these years filled with vitriol and pain, loathing myself, loathing the universe; I am not insane after all. I am as normal as they come. After this diagnosis, I plan to live, I plan to let go of the hate, I plan to let go of the rage and terror, I plan to forgive myself and others, I plan to pull myself knot after knot silk after silk, I plan to live for me, I plan to live for Kilonzo and another Kilonzo out there. I love me and I love my ADHD. 

There is little known about ADHD in Kenya, yet it is one of the rampant mental illnesses affecting the populous. Kilonzo is a fictional character I created to speak about how ADHD can impact someone's life, by sharing some symptoms which I believe do not even summarize the multitude of symptoms and struggles people with ADHD undergo. 

Attention-deficit/ hyperactivity disorder is a chronic condition characterized by attention difficulty, hyperactivity, and major impulsiveness [like Kilonzo]. People struggling with ADHD may come out as being energy drainers, however, we must learn to be accommodating to such people for we cannot fathom the extent of ADHD's tentacles.

Treatment comprises medication and talk therapy, however, one needs to speak out and seek professional help before engaging with medication.