The Unseen Battle: A Year of Navigation

It’s been a year, precisely 12 months, since I last penned my thoughts here. A lot has transpired in my life during this period, and I can confidently say that the past year has been a steep learning curve. I’ve experienced highs and lows, fought battles on various fronts, but the most challenging ones were mental. On the 23rd of December 2022, a day that ironically marked one of my last moments of feeling genuinely “okay,” I decided to stop taking my medication. I was on two types of medication, one for anxiety and the other for major depression. I thought to myself, “I don’t need these medications. I can fight this like a man.” Little did I know that this decision would plunge me into a nine-month-long battle with severe depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, an eating disorder, self-destruction, and hopelessness. The first three months were spent in denial, but I could sense the impending downfall of my mental health. By March, everything took shape. I began to feel different, worse than in previous years. I started withdrawing from everyone, be it my parents or friends. My sleep pattern was disrupted, and I barely ate. I thought that the reopening of schools would provide a distraction, but it didn’t. The first month back was hellish. Entering a space where everyone seemed okay and happy was hard when I had so much to hide. The scars on my left arm, the gloom beneath my eyes, my medical history, the anxiety attacks, the suicide attempts - I was a portrait of suffering, and I didn’t want to be associated with that. “I had a dream I got everything I wanted,” but at that point, this wasn’t what I wanted. I yearned to erase my past. The suicidal thoughts returned, more intense than before. I recall waking up on many days, fantasizing about how much I wanted to end my life. I was weary, weak, and worn. Fortunately, I had to get back on medication. I’m still in the midst of this battle, but I haven’t lost yet. There’s a lot to write about, and I’m excited about this new writing journey. Stay tuned as I share my odyssey - mundane yet thrilling, with a touch of the gruesome - as I navigate the complexities of mental health. P.S. Please take care of yourself. Drink some water and mind your business… or not. Either way, I really don’t mind. Love you!